The Art of Falling | Szn 1, Episode Four

Dear Mama | Kiyanne

“Hey, honey,” Hazel, Kiyanne’s mother, greeted her upon swinging open her heavy front door.

“Hey, Mama,” Kiyanne smiled, allowing herself to be pulled into a tight, uncomfortable hug. As much as she loved her mother, Kiyanne struggled with physical affection, especially when unexpected. Her troubled past was light years behind her, but things that were normal to the world were sometimes tricky and possibly triggering for her.

Hearing Kiyanne’s sharp breath, Hazel released her and offered an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, baby,” she apologized, extending her hand, which Kiyanne happily accepted.

“It’s okay, Ma.”

“Well, let’s not stand out here letting in the cool air. Come on inside.”

Shivering now that the weather had been brought to her attention, Kiyanne allowed Hazel to lead her into the house that hadn’t changed since she arrived. The same heavy oak coat rack stood beside the front door, and the pale blue hallways were littered with pictures and certificates from her high school years.

“What you making?” Kiyanne sniffed the air.

Hazel grinned. “Now, how did I know that was coming?”

“You know your child.”

“That I do. And I made something special to celebrate your visit since I rarely see your face nowadays.”

“Woman, I saw you last week,” Kiyanne snickered, shrugging off her jacket and hanging it on the back of a kitchen chair. “I do have a job, you know.”

“Mmhm, that’s always your excuse. You aren’t that far away.”

“Forty-five minutes isn’t a short drive,” she smiled, taking a seat.

“It ain’t that long, either,” Hazel grumbled, moving to the stove. “If you’re going to ignore a poor, old woman, it could at least be for a more interesting reason than work.”

Kiyanne snorted. “Ain’t nothing poor about you. And sorry to disappoint you, but my life consists of going to work and then home to get ready to do it again the next day.”

“Well, shoot. I hoped your move to a new city would include finding a man.”

“Ma!” Kiyanne burst into laughter.

“What?” she shot her daughter a pointed look. “And get up and grab the tea out of the fridge.”

Playfully rolling her eyes, Kiyanne did as her mother asked. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Let me ask you this,” Hazel opened the cabinet to remove two plates. “Do you not have a man because you want a woman?”

“Ma.”

“What? You like what you like. Ain’t nothing wrong with it, except you supposedly might go to hell for it, but there’s a long list of things that might keep us from seeing the pearly gates. If you’re happy, I’m all for it.”

“I’m not attracted to women, Mama,” Kiyanne smiled as Hazel began fixing their plates. “I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now. Hell, at this rate, I might never end up in one at all.”

“Hmph,” Hazel grumbled. “Well, I’ll say this and be done with it. Life is too short to allow your past to control you, Kiyanne. You can’t keep yourself in a bubble to keep anyone from getting to know you. Everyone needs somebody.”

Kiyanne’s mind briefly drifted to the man she’d bumped into the night prior, but she quickly shoved away the thought. There was no reason a stranger should have crossed her mind in the first place.

“You listening to me?” Hazel demanded.

“Yes, woman. I hear you,” Kiyanne sighed. “But I have to admit I did have an ulterior motive for popping up on you today.”

“Uh oh,” Hazel lifted an eyebrow as she placed their plates on the table. “Everything okay?”’

“Yes and no.”

“Kiy, what’s going on?”

“Um,” she toyed with her hands. “I don’t even know how to have this conversation with you since it’s been so long since we’ve had to deal with this ...issue.”

Hazel slipped into the seat across from Kiyanne and folded her hands on the table. “Hmm. I take it the issue being your sobriety?”

Exhaling slowly, Kiyanne nodded.

“Well,” Hazel picked up her fork. “My first suggestion will be what it’s been for the past few years. Stop viewing sobriety as an issue. It’s a battle.”

“One that I wouldn’t be fighting had I not been so stupid.”

“Ain’t no use in sitting around dwelling about the past, Kiy. There’s nothing you can do about it; reliving mistakes is a form of torturing yourself. Keep your eyes forward. Have you spoken to your sponsor?”

“No,” Kiyanne mumbled, dropping her eyes to her plate.

“Kiy.”

“She’s just…too much. And you know how I feel about people being in my business.”

“Kiyanne, the point of it all is for her to be in your business. For us to be in your business. I love your independence, but you can’t fight everything alone, baby. And why would you? There are people in the world who would kill to hear at least one person say ‘I see you and I got you’. You have that, and you’re pushing it away.”

“I’m here talking to you, aren’t I?” Kiyanne emphasized.

“Yes, baby. But as much as I’m here to support and listen to you, there are some tools I don’t have to help you over this hill. That’s where your sponsor comes in. And as much as you’re against the idea, I think that’s why you opened up to me today. So, I would give you the push you need. Call, Lauren. Kiy. Talk to her. That’s what she’s here for.”

Retrieving her fork, Kiyanne pushed her food around the plate, contemplating whether her mother’s words were valid. Although she’d managed her sobriety well on her own, there was a particular time of year that she felt was more difficult to face without a numbing agent to suppress memories she’d rather forget.

Although she never took the bait or gave in, Kiyanne couldn’t ignore that this year was proving the toughest yet.

“Okay, Ma. I’ll call her.”

“Promise, Kiy.”

“I promise,” she half-heartedly replied, hoping she could muster up the courage to do so.